nightmares and christmas babies

Well my time at The Marlborough Express is almost over. Over the last 2 days I've covered the Christmas day baby - turns out there was 3- a guy skiking (like cross country skiing, only on wheels) the length of NZ, the boxing day sales madness, and photographed a Shortland Street (NZ soap opera) actress who I went to primary school with. That's a pretty good cross-section of the job in general.

I think I'm going to miss the job. It's been nice to be back doing something in which I feel (relatively) confident in my abilities. And it's so varied, I love not knowing what I'm going to face during the day. Although there has been a return of the 'missing-THE-shot' nightmares which are never much fun.

My ego has been a little stroked by my co-workers telling me how much they enjoyed working with me, but at least there's been no award-winner pics for my ego to swell to enormous proportions over :P

I'm off for a couple days so I'm heading down to the family bach (holiday home) down the Marlborough Sounds which should be utter bliss.

Inspiration

The biggest thing for me is finding the motivation to take photos. I thought at the start of this year been that having some time away from photography as my profession would let me regain my passion for the craft, that I would be able to do my own projects and produce lots of great 'personal work'. That hasn't happened. I do have the clarity that photography is what I want to 'do'. But the past year I haven't really shot much stuff. Is it that essentially I'm lazy? Is it that I'm stuck in the fear of failure? Is it that I simply needed a year of time out altogether?

All of the above I think: Laziness. Fear. Rest.

I have had an interesting year. It's been a year of personal development in the area of mental and emotional life. And I guess that that is what will create a solid foundation for my creative/professional pursuits. I do feel much more aware of what it is that hinders me, of what I need to work at daily to remain able to deal with what comes my way in a manner that is healthy and constructive. I'm aware of what a hindrance ego is and that building of my ego is not what it's all about. I can see clearly now that photography for me is a deep desire and urging and when I neglect that, I neglect my self.

This morning I was reading the World Press Photo Review dec 09, in particular the 'Class of touch' article about the 2009 Joop Swart Masterclass. There was so much stuff in there that sparked inspiration and motivation for me. This extract is particulary pertinent for me:

'Photography, she (Georgia Fiorio) said, is both a physical deed and a deep mental engagement. Keeping precise, on track and in touch with yourself is essential in getting a hold on your own vision. That vision - the focus of your life as a photographer - is not something you sit down and decide upon. Rather, it is something you suddenly recognize, are compelled towards, confronted with. It descends upon you, like falling in love.'

I am guilty of trying to 'sit down and decide upon' the focus of my life as a photographer. Here I am reminded of something that I already know; that I ALREADY KNOW. Recognizing that, and confronting that... that is what I must do.

World Press Photo has always pushed my buttons. Always. And now I've found the multimedia section on their website! 

HERE LASSIE!!!!!

That's me and my boss. The theme of the Marlborough Express Christmas party was Famous & Infamous and whilst browsing the $2 shop in search of ideas I came across the dog section. A famous dog? Lassie! I thought it was a pretty safe bet that noone else would dress up as a dog... I was longing to lick people all night but I knew many were aware I wasn't drinking and so I'd just come across as bloody weird. Shame.

Just like old times...

A test shot to see if my flash was working with the off-shoe camera cord. This would've been an automatic addition to my old blog where I published photos that normally would've been deleted, photos that I thought had some merit as images that were often lighting tests or badly executed.

I'M BAAAACCKKKK!!!!

Please excuse the confusion... The last post I started last weekend and only just finished and posted it now...

AND NOW...

I've been back at the Marlborough Express since Tuesday. It's been great! I've laughed loudly at the same old newsroom bitching and moaning (really, is there anyone more cynical than a journalist?!) and have had some strong cases of deja vu (taking photos of the same people over 4 years later). I've been setting up truly cheesy photos and underexposing them terribly and attempting to rescue them in photoshop. I've been asked questions by greasy politicians to which I have no answer eg. "So how is Colin King (MP) doing?" and I have to try to explain I've not been in the province, and besides, I still don't even attempt to read the paper... I just look at the photos!

It's a humbling job. And I'm glad I can see it as humbling now because in the past it was just BLOODY FRUSTRATING!!! Of course with an inflated ego that screams "I'm better than this!!" you're going to just put yourself through unnecessary suffering. Thanks to my ego being constantly deflated recently and a change in attitude that sees humility as something to be sought, I can enjoy the job. It helps that I'm only there for another 3 weeks of course :P

Everything is much the same at the paper, the systems haven't changed much, the gear is much the same, many people are the same. The news journalists are all different of course, and there's been some changes in management, but overall it's like I've been away a few months, not 4 years.

Yesterday I got to try out the new (to me) 400mm f2.8 lens which I added a 1.4x converter to to photograph cricket. It was heavy and awkward and I must've looked like a fool... but it's a beautiful lens, even I could appreciate that much. A lot better than attempting to photograph the cricket with a 70-200mm as we did at The Timaru Herald.

I'm enjoying the fact that it takes 2-10mins to get anywhere in town and the landscape is beautiful, to see the Wither Hills in the background constantly and to have frequent drives into the countryside... it's a nice break from city life.

What remains of my ego is moaning that I must take some GREAT photos sometime soon so that 'they' can see what 'they're' missing out on... (I'm shaking my head) but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to enjoy being home with family and friends, to enjoy a blast back into the past, and to make some money while doing it. 

Tonight is the staff Christmas party which I've agreed to go along to and the theme is "Famous and Infamous", may aim to find something to wear that I don't have to spend money on... should be a giggle.

Oh happy days

(Written last weekend) On Monday I'm flying back to Aotearoa to spend  3.5 weeks filling in at the newspaper I started out with, The Marlborough Express. I left the job there 4 years ago to go overseas with my (ex)boyfriend Fernando. It was all very exciting at the time; my first big overseas trip, incorporating Thailand, London, and onto Brazil. Fernando is Brazilian and the plan was for him to return to his home country so he could study, and I would work teaching English (of course!). I was very naieve about it all, thinking I was leaving my dreary home town for good, daydreaming about a little shack on the beach and drinking cocktails in a hammock. I was in for the biggest culture shock of my life, and a very real wake up call in regards to being more careful with finances! Needless to say within 5 months I was back in NZ having agreed to return to a job at The Timaru Herald.

The job at The Marlborough Express came about when I'd returned from Wellington where I had studied the Diploma in Photography at Massey University for the past 2 years. I'd hardly given a thought to where I was going to live, let alone the practical reality of needing to find work once I left. I found myself back in Blenheim feeling rather shell-shocked after a busy year and a dose of back-to-reality. I knew the chief photographer and I kept bumping into him and he kept telling me about how badly they needed a part-timer. I didn't follow up on this immediately, being initially a little daunted, and, to be honest, I suffered from a 'distaste' for news photography which I'd picked up from my self-proclaimed 'art photographer' friends at university.

Despite myself, I rang the Editor and was asked to submit a portfolio and CV for the full-time job that was being advertised at the time also. Having done so I was taken on part-time which was actually full-time for the first 4 weeks as they waited on the arrival of the new full-timer. I was thrown in the deep end and it was a great learning curve for me. I suddenly realised that I DIDN'T know it all, in fact I knew very little about photography! Particulary in the arenas of posing people, sport, and using flash! My ego was deflated very quickly and I fumbled and stumbled my way through learning the art of photojournalism.

Photojournalism is a word I still hesitate to use as the job really is cheesy posed photos or sports most of the time. As most of the worlds newspapers are turning away from the obviously posed in-your-face type of photograh, small town NZ papers still love it and hang on to it dearly. But hey, what else can you do when the story is weak and the visual options to illustrate it 'naturally' are boring?!

After 9 months of part-time for the Marlborough Express I was offered a full-time position and continued in that role until Dec 2005. By the time I left I was thoroughly relieved that I wouldn't spend my weekends at cricket/soccer/rugby/tennis matches and downloading and captioning late into Sunday night. I had become as cynical and disillusioned as... as most journalists ;)